I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.