Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”