Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
We’ve come full circle
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat