[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Why are bridges so flammable.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My love language is deader than Latin
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.