Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
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I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.