I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Interior design 👌
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that