Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
You Might Also Like
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Seek kebab; not attention
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.