Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
People buying plungers never look happy.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?