Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Me recordaron éste meme
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.