Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
😂😂
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?