Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
That’s a good costume, I hope.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.