No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:![]()
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”