No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
You Might Also Like
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Life is a suicide mission.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally