DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am never leaving this website
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Practicing safe sax
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
What’s a Messi?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.