My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.