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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy