I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
When libraries troll their patrons.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
How high do the levels go?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.