Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
when you don’t want to be too vague
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk