The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.