Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
![]()
You Might Also Like
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“No way.” -Jose
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
The dark side of Canada
![]()
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
We have a winner.
![]()
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
![]()