I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.