My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…