I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When you don’t understand how floors work
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew