A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Good morning.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..