I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
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Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”