Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.