@primawesome

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

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@Cheeseboy22

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@TheRealPhalguy

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

@MitchBenn

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

@shamanhealer

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@liljonlovitz

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@TheToddWilliams

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit