Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started