@Cheeseboy22 I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
@primawesome Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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@Cheeseboy22 
@LeBearGirdle Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
@TheRealPhalguy Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
@MitchBenn We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
@shamanhealer I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
@brendohare Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
@liljonlovitz [commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
@TheToddWilliams Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
@druuuck GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
@wolfmannjr No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample