7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
my favorite genre of twitter
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
welp
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Don’t talk down to me
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?