7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
sleeping beauty
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.