I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.