“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again