We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
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Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!