My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
you stereotypes are all alike
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.