Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
first you must answer his riddles
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Maths meets science
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me