first you must answer his riddles
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us