A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My blood type is coffee.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
what does he know…
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*