deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop