deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.