deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
sleeping beauty
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
getting corrected
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit