Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Planet of the Apps.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it