those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
my name if I was in the mob
Friday
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
No laws when master is gone
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks