You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*