[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My boss called in sick of me
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
😂🤣😂🤣
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now