Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.


GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?


Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*


[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-


Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…



Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying


KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed


I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.