Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some