Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?![]()
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Pretty certain I can more drunk
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