
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Word!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.