When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
dream blunt rotation
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*