You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working