her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
house sitting!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!