therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
😬
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.