let’s play a round of hopscotch ๐โ ๐ป๐๐ผ
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*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Iโm not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her itโs not what it looks like.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: โWhose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?โ
Miner: โMine.โ
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided โrinkโ could only mean an ice arena?? โHey, Iโm heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see yaโ
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT ITโS GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT IโLL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYYโoh, here it is.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dmโd me and asked how I sleep at night being such a โbloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorneyโ and I said, โlike a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.โ
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but Iโd like to stage a โcoffin flopโ for my funeral
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: Iโm not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Sorry canโt. Calling NASA and making alien noises
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: Whatโs for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. Iโm 44 now. I see theyโre playing the long gameโฆ
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Today I looked in the mirror and didnโt like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?