North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
as is their right
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
when dads have a rap battle
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.