Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.