Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I bet birds love this building.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how