Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My inexpensive home security system…
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
new shirt idea