80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
when you are just born a rebel
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Spider-cat: No One Home
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
They’re stuck in your pants?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.