My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
You Might Also Like
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner