Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
she has a point
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings